Asshole of the Day: SNOW
Hi, y’all! Snow here. That’s “Captain Snow” to you, plebe. Yeah, I’m blanketing your streets, I’m encasing your car in a prison of ice, and I forced the liquor store to shut down. Not even your drug dealer is going to brave my wrath today. Fuck you!
Good luck getting plowed out, especially those of you with incompetent local governments. Which is pretty much everyone.
I gotta go for now. There are a couple people in Illinois whose lives I haven’t completely ruined yet. Stay cool, ya hear? Ha ha! I crack myself up.
damekatharsis asked: How do I deal with my company's board members who are entitled, lazy, demanding, and incapable of doing anything without hand-holding?
You say those things like they’re bad! Spoken like a minion.
The only way to fight self-entitled pricks is to out cock them. When they demand something, demand something better. In this way, you will assert your dominance. Rich assholes only respond to a richer assholier presence. If you’re not really rich, pretend.
Set them against one another, and then swoop in to take all the glory. Think to yourself “what would Sarah Palin do?” and do that, except with better grammar.
Assholeoscope - PISCES - February, 2011
As Ron Swanson says, fish is for sport only, Pisces. It’s not a meat - it’s practically a vegetable! I suggest you man the fuck up and start calling yourself Steakces. Get some beef in your system before you die of being a lace-adorned scurvy victim.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - AQUARIUS - February, 2011
It’s time for a brand-new you, Aquarius. You need to assert yourself. You know what they say, you can’t “assert” without “ass” and “ert.” Want better food at the restaurant? Throw your plate at the server. Want the best seat on the plane? Accuse a guy in first class of looking terrorist-ey. It’s time for you to get yours! Or theirs. Either way.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - CAPRICORN - February, 2011
Saturn floats into the seventh house of the percolating star on Wednesday, bringing a peaceful balm of healing to your soul. Ha ha ha just kidding. What the fuck is that hippie shit? Just go out and be a badass, Capricorn. If you don’t know how, start by punching a hippie.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - SAGITTARIUS - February, 2011
Make sure to take time off and relax this month, Saggy. Go on a fun trip! Tell the office you’re conducting “meetings” and get it expensed. Hookers count as “meetings.” A dude bro weekend in Vegas will re-charge your batteries. Just make sure not to take whiny “I call the cops at the first spurt of blood” Brad.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - SCORPIO - February, 2011
On February 30th, a solar eclipse brings darkness to your town, Scorpio. You are that awesome — you get your own eclipse LIKE A BOSS. Under cover of darkness, it’s a great time to pay a visit to that special someone you’ve been hating. Place a flaming bag of poo on their doorstep? I guess if you’re suffering from pathetic-itis. Set fire to their car or GTFO.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - LIBRA - February, 2011
Easy, breezy, beautiful — Libra! By that we mean never make anything easy for anyone else; be breezy in the face of all criticism (your breeze should smell like cheese farts); and that beauty is only skin deep, so dump that old piece of shit you’ve been dating and trade up for a younger model! And by “model,” we really mean “model.” No uggos — you’re better than that.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - VIRGO - February, 2011
Pluto is in your house until March 2011. That’s not even a planet anymore, so you earn a spot on the Assholeoscope Dunce Pile, Virgo. You better step it up, or you’ll be cleaning the executive wash room instead of sharting in it. When Jupiter comes ‘round again, I’ll acknowledge you exist. Until then, you might as well be a nanny or something.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - LEO - February, 2011
Things are not looking good in your health sector, Leo. Remember, if the blood of virgins is not available to drink, go visit Dick Cheney’s doctor. Don’t be scared, you fucking wimp! Side effects like “slight Darth Vader-ism” only make you more powerful.
Not your sign? More here.
Assholeoscope - CANCER - February, 2011
Cha-ching, Cancer! Time to put that pyramid and/or Ponzi scheme into play. Make sure you have an escape plan that involves retiring to a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, where nubile young “natives” (never learn what they’re called) can fulfill your every desire. Lucky days: every day. Bad luck is something the poors have.
Not your sign? More here.
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